Ryan Bracha

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Jeremy Bracsman Vs Craig Furchtenicht

Posted by ryanbracha on May 27, 2014 at 12:45 AM

Now then shit bags. I'm Jeremy Bracsman, the most feared interviewer this side of Jeremy Paxman. I ask the questions nobody else dare. I ask the important stuff. If you don't like my in-your-face style then you can go and take your fucking face for a shit. Anyway, my first interviewee is one Craig Furchtenicht. He's the author of one of my favourite indie-published novels, Dimebag Bandits. He's also written and released two horror/bizarro collections, in The Blue Dress Paradigm, and Night Speed Zero. The links for all of those will be around here somewhere. Now, enjoy!

Bracsman Vs... Craig Furchtenicht

Craig Furchtenicht, the man who can, tell me about yourself.

I live in Iowa with my beautiful wife, Henrietta. Our humble abode if located about 10 miles from Iowa City, where we work at a large toothbrush manufacturing facility. When I'm not slaving away to preserve the oral hygiene of the world or maintaining my 5 acre slice of heaven, I am busy converting the crazy thoughts in my head into written words. My work may never be seen by the masses, but I hope to psychologically scar as many minds as possible along the way.

Why should I buy your books and not Misty Crackersnatch’s Tales of Gerry the Fucked-up Hobo with a Gimpy Leg?

Although the Misty Crackersnatch thing sounds appealing enough, I would wager my left nut that it is as predictable as every other gimpy-legged hobo book you have ever read. You will find my writing to be anything but predictable. If somebody ends up maimed or crippled in my books, I guarantee that it will be done in an in-your-face fashion that will leave your teeth aching for more.

Where do your bizarre short story ideas come from you sick fuck?

I was a “latch-key” child growing up. I watched a lot of television after school while my parents were still at work. Time in front of the old idiot box kick started my over-active imagination. Some of my ideas come from quietly listening to the ramblings of the people around me. I believe in the principal that every good lie contains at least a sliver of truth to it. My stories are just well orchestrated lies in written form. I also get a lot of inspiration from my wife. We will be talking and she will say, “Why don't you write about a killer and his toilet paper.” or something off the cuff like that. Sometimes I think she just throws random ideas just to see how far I will take them. It's a strange dynamic but it works.

Your novel Dimebag Bandits was one of my favourites to come out of 2013, how the fuck are you gonna keep me entertained to that level next time?

I am grinding away at the follow-up to DBB right now. It basically picks up right where the last book left off. I hope to maintain the same level of violence and offensive dialogue at a pace equal to the first novel. I will never skimp on profanity or gratuitous violence for the sake of conformity. You will either love it or close the book with your panties in a wad.

Sleeping: Undies , pyjamas or the birthday suit? Why?

Usually I sleep in my skivvies. Keeps me cool enough and leaves me a good place to rest my hand down the front of them while I’m sleeping.

I prefer birthday suit, it lets the old lad downstairs air in the night. Anyway, who’d win in a fight between you and your postman?

My dad is a retired mailman so I know all of their tricks. They appear to move slower than they really are and carry pepper-based dog spray in their vehicles. My mailman is pushing 70 so I know I could kick his ass. It's just a matter of sneaking up from behind and catching the old bastard by surprise. A Gracie-style choke hold followed by a few well placed blows to his arthritic spine and it's game over.

If you found a suitcase full of money that you knew was from a dead gangster would you keep it if nobody saw you take it?

Hell yeah, I'd take it. Then I'd start digging for the dead dude that had it before me. Not sure what I'd do with the body, but it would have the makings for a great story.

How much would it take for Baz Lurhmann to buy the rights to turn your novel into a musical starring Sylvester Stallone with the cast of Glee doing most of the numbers?

Not as much as one would think. The price tag would probably be along the lines of say a few grand, front row tickets (for the entire tour) and a guaranteed role as Virge the Perv.

What are your thoughts when you do one of those shits that just disappears from the bowl?

My first instinct is to check the pants bunched up around my ankles. Never know, I might have missed the bowl entirely. Then I feel cheated. Kinda like watching the Under the Dome mini-series on tv after reading the book by Stephen King. All the while you're thinking that it started out like okay but somehow the ending got all fucked up. Either way, it's better than looking in the bowl after wards and saying, “I don't remember eating corn.”

Who’s your favourite band/artist?

Like my reading, my taste in ear candy doesn't bind me to one specific genre. I spent my youth jamming to mostly heavy metal and hard rock, but I will listen to anything but country or gospel. If I have to pick one fav it would definitely be Queensryche. Operation Mindcrime was by far the best rock opera ever produced.

How many languages can you swear in? Mine is about 4.

I work with a very diverse group of people so I have been privy to many a foreign-tongued swear words. Spanish, German, Czech, Loa and Vietnamese. It took me about ten years to realize that the Vietnamese were addressing me by saying “mother fucker” at the beginning of every sentence. Until then I thought “Du Ma” (sp?) meant sir.

Can you chew your own toenails straight from the toe?

Not a chance. Do I look like Ron Jeremy to you?

What line did you use to get your good lady wife to go out with you? Was it ‘You smell nice, have you been jogging?’

No, it was more like Kyle Reese in the original Terminator flick. “Come with me if you want to live.”


What’s the ultimate dream for Craig Furchtenicht?

My ultimate dream is to be able to write full time, giving me the ability to call in to work and tell them I'm too rich to come in today. I would love to see how badly Hollywood could mangle Dimebag Bandits into a box office smash. That and world domination.

What’s next up for Craig Furchtenicht?

I am currently working on the follow-up to DBB. It is tentatively titled Behind the Eightball. I am also thinking of throwing a novella in the mix. bringing back some of the characters from DBB that were thought to be lost forever. Then I will bury the Cedar Ridge crew for good and go off in an entirely different direction. I have a few ideas floating around. Just need the time to scoop them off of the surface and slap them on paper.


The Craig Furchtenicht Bio:

My first novel, "Dimebag Bandits", was published last year and I am currently working on the follow up to it. The second work also takes place in Iowa, mainly in the fictional towns of Cameron and Cedar Ridge.

Most of the ideas for my books come from past personal experience, both good and bad. Many revolve around extreme situations involving recreational drug use and the violence that accompanies them. I do not condone these activities, but god only knows that without my years of mispent youth I would not have the material to fill my pages today.

I also write short story collections that lean towards the horror/bizarro genre. These works include "The Blue Dress Paradigm" and the upcoming "Night Speed Zero". All of which can be found on Amazon.com


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